


In Which Selina Kyle is a Menace

by crazyfangirl221b



Series: A Universe Made of Stars [5]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-27
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-11-20 01:14:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11325600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyfangirl221b/pseuds/crazyfangirl221b
Summary: Everybody makes bad decisions sometimes, but it takes someone special to encourage other's bad decisions.





	In Which Selina Kyle is a Menace

There are very few places an internationally wanted criminal can crash on a moments notice. That number goes down significantly when said criminal occasionally helps out her maybe-boyfriend in his heroic hobby. When she's just acquired a gorgeous statue of Bastet from the Gotham Museum of Antiquity, the number goes to three.

 

1\. Gotham International Airport, on her way outta dodge. Currently closed due to Killer Frost's fallout with Mr. Freeze.

2\. Gotham City Central station. Ditto. Apparently nobody planned for a blizzard in July.

3.Â Gotham City Park and Botanical Garden, most likely the closest green house to the swing sets. Current hideout of Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy.

 

Despite the snow storm the temperature hovered at about 50F, so the walk across town wasn't too bad. Just long. And boring. Catwoman reached the park after about two hours of walking and another hour and a half of making sure she wasn't followed. She approached the right area of the park just as the sun was rising, bathing the world in radiant, golden light. She pinched the bridge of her nose and hoped she could find a bed in the shade.

 

As soon as Selina spotted the secluded greenhouse she knew it was the right one. Half a dozen partially melted snowmen stained with what she hoped was tomato juice and great, leafy plant bent unnaturally to keep them in the shade. Trying not to step in any of the red snow, she made her way to the door.

 

As she stepped onto the concrete stoop the door opened to reveal Poison Ivy, wearing an "I Survived Gotham" t-shirt. "You on our side or his today?" she asked in the exhausted tone of a woman who had been up all night making snow zombies.

 

"I'm on the side of whoever gives me a place to sleep and a jug of coffee." Selina replied almost the same tone.

 

Ivy stepped aside with a sigh. "I'll grow you a bed of moss, but you'll have to fight Harley for the coffee."

 

Selina snorted, and entered their kitchen. She stared at the bushes holding plates and mugs. "I'll settle for a snack."

 

"Those jars are deadly nightshade jelly," Ivy gestured to a row of jars the counter  "Everything else in the kitchen is safe. Don't eat anything in the lab, though."

 

Selina looked at a row of home canning jars with skull and crossbones labels. Then she noticed two extension cords in different outlets, spliced together and plugged into the stove. "Should I ask?"

 

"Whatever your question is, the answer is probably Harley," Ivy replied with a shrug walking into the atrium. She waved her arm at a spot across the room and almost three feet of moss grew at her command. Another twiddle of her fingers and woody vines wove themselves into walls.

 

"See ya at noon!" Selina waved halfheartedly as she closed the still-growing door. Then she dropped her sack on a handy shelf and flopped onto the best bed she'd ever known. She fell asleep almost instantly and slept deeply through the morning.

 

She woke to the sound of breaking glass and tumbled out of bed with a thud. Selina wandered groggily into the atrium and found Harley laughing to some kind of plane crash documentary and Ivy swearing the kitchen floor.

 

"Should I get a mop or body armor?" Selena said sarcastically as she grabbed a mug from the least thorny-looking bush.

 

"We don't got mops!" Harley shouted from the couch.

 

Selina looked back at Ivy to find small vines cleaning up the mess for her, "But can they cook?"

 

"See, Harley," Ivy said ignoring the question and picking up a knife from the counter. "Nobody respects me."

 

"You mean nobody fears you." Selina sat down on the recliner across from Harley.

 

"I have powers beyond belief!" Ivy went on, gesturing with a knife the size of her forearm. "I am the mast of Kingdom Plantae! I am an abomination to mankind."

 

"You're cutting the crusts off of your girlfriend's sandwich." Selina pointed out.

 

"Crust is an abomination!" Harley shouted.

 

Ivy just sighed and brought over the plates. "I just miss the days people fled at the sight of me."

 

"You know what you need?" Selina asked, "A nice little bit of mayhem."

 

Harley leaned forward eagerly. "Got any ideas?"

 

"I'm just saying," Selina shrugged with a false air of innocence. "Batman just took down two metas, he's got to be pretty tired by now."

 

"And the police all out Â are looking for whoever robbed wherever it is you robbed last night?" Ivy finished with a grin.

 

"It'd be a real shame if someone messed with Bruce Wayne's big gala this evening." Selina looked over at Harley and saw she was grinning too. "And I do need a nice distraction to get out of town safely."

 

"Please, Red!" Harley leaned forward so far she fell off the couch.

 

"Well, if it's a favor for a friend," Ivy pretended to consider it. "Why not?"

 

Harley squealed with excitement. "What time does the party start?"

 

"About seven," Selina replied, "So you two should get there about eight to catch any late arrivals."

 

Harley stood up. "I'll polish my explosives!"

 

"Lunch first," Ivy handed her a plate and Harley sat down to eat.

 

"Any for me?" Selina asked.

 

Ivy snorted. "You're not banned from the kitchen."

 

Selina just raised an eyebrow.

 

"She set the last hideout on fire making cereal!" Ivy said shaking her head.

 

"Everything is better with birthday candles!" Harley insisted.

 

"I see," Selina said heading to the kitchen. Then she noticed the stove again. "Is that a fire hazard?"

 

"Probably!" Harley called cheerfully.

 

"It's perfectly safe," Ivy countered. "I covered all of the exposed wires."

 

Selina continued staring at the stove, then she came to a very logical conclusion: a graduate degree just might actively discourage a person's sense of self-preservation.  It certainly would explain most of the people she hung out with. Bruce probably had one too. Speaking of Bruce...

 

Selina pulled her burner phone out of her pocket and turned it on to shoot off a quick text. "H&I r bored pls invite to party"

 

The reply came only moments later. "Selina, no."

 

She grinned and typed, "SELINA YES!!!"

 

Like she said, Batman's got to be pretty tired by now and he really should get some sleep, someone ought to let him know he can.


End file.
